thoughts on being old

Last Friday night, I went to the University of Minnesota's homecoming concert to see Passion Pit. Here, a few of the thoughts that went through my head as I was driving through campus:

That girl is wearing a crop top. How embarrassing for her. 

This concert doesn't start until NINE THIRTY? That's so late.

I can hear the opening act from inside my car. THAT IS TOO LOUD. 

And a few more thoughts while walking from my car to the stadium:

Why are all the guys wearing tank tops?

Another crop top? Weird.
Ugh, the music is even louder now. 

Holy shit, they're ALL wearing crop tops!

Once we entered the stadium...

OMG I just realized... when I was in Forever 21 the other day and thought to myself, who would wear this shit? It's THESE girls!

How are so many of these girls crop top ready? Isn't every meal in college free pizza? Is there no Taco Bell on this campus?

OMG the opening act just said the word "pussy". Doesn't he know these kids were born in the NINETIES?! Cover your ears, little ones!

I feel like maybe I should cut off half of my shirt?

Just before the band started, as 90s music was playing over the speakers...

Fantasy by Mariah Carey is on and you're all ignoring it! You people wouldn't know good pop music if it hit you over the head. Was anyone in this stadium even alive when this song came out?! HELLO OUT THERE?!

And as Passion Pit played... 

Should I leave early to avoid traffic? 

These drunk people are way too close to me. If I get vomit on me I might die.

The girls behind me making fun of my friends' and my dancing are making me feel really good about life. At least they aren't wearing crop tops.

Ugh, SOMEONE needs to stop blowing weed in my face.

Oooh... even if there is traffic, I have a great audiobook in the car. Maybe I should just leave early and listen to my audiobook.

Can someone please explain to me how I can possibly feel so old? Last night I dreamed that Aziz Ansari had a crush on me; I knew this because I saw his notebook, which said Daci is hot. MY BRAIN IS TWELVE.